Some Words About Some Things

Teenagers are cool. If I weren’t going into surgery, I think I’d like to do adolescent medicine. I’m on a pediatric hematology/oncology rotation right now (pediatric = kids, hematology = blood stuff, oncology = cancer stuff, so basically I’m hanging out with young people who have blood diseases and/or cancer) and my favorite part is getting to talk to teens. (Well, okay, I like all the kids, but let’s pretend teens are my favorite because it makes for a nice intro paragraph.)

I don’t believe that bullshit about teens being troublemakers and the scourge of America and whatever. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that I was a teenager, and there was maaaaybe one actual delinquent in any given class. Maybe. And yeah, I grew up in the suburbs, but now I’m seeing kids in the city. And I haven’t met a single one who I didn’t see at least some potential in. Even the twelve-year-old gangbangers.

I think I like working with adolescents ‘cause they’re at that stage where they’re the perfect balance between someone who has a personality and can stand their ground but is also still very receptive to teaching and to change. Young kids are way too moldable and that is terrifying (try accidentally saying “hobo blowjob” around a four-year-old and see the thrilled expression on their parents’ faces when Kiddo repeats it to them); adults are way too inflexible and that is disappointing. I think people who are 13-19 years of age have the peak potential to both learn things from you AND to teach you things.

I met this 16-year-old girl in the clinic today (sickle cell patient, but doing fine so we actually didn’t talk about that at all and were basically just shooting the shit about life which was awesome) and was basically me at 16, but living in a city, and black, and with sickle cell disease. I was like, “What grade are you in?” and “What classes are you taking?” She’s an honor student and taking pre-calc and AP US History and other stuff I remember taking in high school. She said she was really stressed out with homework and scholarship applications and stuff and I was like, I totally understand, I remember being there, and I wish someone had told me, RELAX! It’s going to be okay. I think junior year of high school was probably more stressful than anything I’d been through in med school, just ‘cause no one ever tells you that even though the decisions you’re making are important ones, they’re not the be-all end-all of you as a person, and you’re SUPPOSED to make mistakes, and everything is going to be okay.

(So I told her that. I also told her to keep taking her vitamins.)

Also, I always thought I’d be one of those adults (ugh, goddamnit I’m an adult for real and I can’t avoid it anymore) who would be “cool” and talk to teens in “their language” (like Phil on Modern Family or something) and try to be friends with them but then I was like, Fuck that. That’s weird. Teens don’t need adults to be their friends. That’s where pedophiles come from. But really, it’s the damnedest thing, you talk to teenagers like they’re adults and they fucking act like adults! Go figure. That makes sense, because I remember thinking that adults who try and act like teenagers and be on their “level” were a bunch of phonies (R.I.P. J.D.S.!). I mean, teenagers aren’t stupid; they have pretty good bullshit detectors.

I wonder what it is about being in your early twenties that makes you forget how a teenager thinks. Probably all the booze and unprotected sex.

Anywho….... one of the attendings I’m working with is kind of irritating. She’s this fat older white lady. And it’s not because she’s fat or older or white or a lady that’s annoying, but because she tries waaaaaay too hard to “connect” with teenagers. Newsflash, Dr Lame-O: Teenagers are people! Talk to them like people! Seriously, you guys, this doctor… one of our patients is an 18-year-old with a blood clotting disorder and she’s newly pregnant and so she came in for a checkup so we could look at her bloodwork and stuff, and Dr Lame-O literally walks in and starts talking about the girl’s “baby daddy” and “giiirrrrrl, you startin’ to show!” and basically trying to be ghetto fabulous (but to the little white boy patients she’s all “well hello sweetheart, you are looking very handsome today”). I mean, IIII was offended and she wasn’t even talking to me.

Maybe I’m too uptight. The patient didn’t seem to mind, which is the important thing. But seriously. Baby daddy? I mean, maybe the reason why urban black teenage girls don’t end up in professional careers in the same numbers as suburban white teenage boys is that no one expects them to and they treat them like delinquent airheads.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah. So part of the reason why I’m saying all this is because I think that for whatever reason, I get the feeling that a lot of you who are reading this are teenage girls. (If you’re not, don’t feel weird; I tend to overgeneralize. All the time. About everything.) Which I thought was weird at first but then I was like, well, maybe you’re just me but five to ten years ago. (So I’m just talking to myself.) And maybe this is my chance to, like, have a positive influence on the world.

But then I was like, fuck that, I NEVER SAID I WAS A ROLE MODEL (points if you get the reference!)... so, if it’s okay with you, I’m just going to keep writing about cheese and poop!