In The Year Two Thousaaaaaand (and Nine)

Highlights of 2009: This year, I

• finished my third year of medical school
• decided to be a surgeon (arguably the biggest decision of my life so far, even bigger than deciding to be a doctor, I think), thus voluntarily inviting comparisons to Dr Cristina Yang for the rest of my life… and decided I would be okay with that
• got hit by a car
• was the victim of various thefts (wallet, car theft, etc)
• spent a week in San Francisco
• spent a week in Wisconsin
• made some awesome new friends
• went on my first real job interview… and my second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth, traveling to seven cities in two months
• lost my grandpa
• (what, at the mall? See, this is what happens when you use euphemisms. No, he died. I was sad.)
• performed an open appendectomy for the first time (probably the coolest thing I’ve done, ever)
• rode my bike a lot (and also, started riding it fixed-gear)
• went to a bunch of shows
• went on a bunch of dates
• decided that I hate dating
• grew up a lot

In 2010, I will

• interview for more residency positions on the east coast and rotate through surgical intensive care in January
• spend a month on pediatric hematology/oncology (cancer kids) in February
• turn 26, find out where I will be spending the next five years of my life, finish my clinical duties as a medical student, fuckin’ PARTY IN THE U.S.A., spend some time in the Bay Area in March
• spend a few weeks in the ROK (South Korea) in April
• go on a road trip to New Orleans in May
• graduate from medical school and become a doctor (on paper) in June
• probably kill someone when I start my surgical training in July
• probably kill myself when I continue my surgical training in August and realize how difficult it really is
• et cetera
• keep writing here, hopefully
• make new friends, hopefully
• keep in touch with my old friends, hopefully

My day-to-day still feels very average to me but I think I will look back on this time and maybe this past year in particular and think that it was (is) the most exciting and dynamic time in my life. Obviously, becoming a doctor will be the biggest thing that happens to me in the coming year. And I do feel like it is something that is happening TO me, as opposed to something I am actively doing, oddly enough. I’ve definitely matured a whole hell of a lot this year. I know myself a lot better than I did at this time last year. I’m not as silly as I used to be, for better or for worse (better because I’m more responsible, worse because I’m boring as hell). I went from having no clue what I wanted to do with my career, to thinking that I wanted to be a primary care pediatrician, to KNOWING that I want to be a surgeon.

When I decided to pursue a career in medicine, I was very wishy-washy and immature about it. I always insisted that I would be the one who’d never be JUST a doctor, that I’d be the relatable doctor who jokes around with you and shoots the shit with you and is your bro. I was basically the med student equivalent of a moody teenager who insists they’re going to be a ‘cool parent’ because they don’t like how they’re treated by their parents and KNOW they can TOTALLY do it WAY better.

I’ve since changed my attitude, but that’s okay. I think I had to go through that to learn. I’ve always valued well-roundedness and I hated that being in medicine makes people only see you as a doctor, not a person. And I think surgery in particular is a field where that’s even more prevalent. At least if I’d gone into pediatrics or family medicine I’d be a little more normal. But surgeons are a different breed. It’s going to be hard for me to live and breathe anything but surgery for the rest of my life. I’m warning you. However, I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing.

Because, I can’t tell you how fucking sweet it is to feel like you have a purpose in life. I’ve never felt it before, ever. Yes, maybe it IS unhealthy to focus so narrowly on just one thing… but what if that one thing is just so awesome and fulfilling to you? This is what I said last year:

I feel fortunate that I am on a career path that is relatively insulated from the state of the economy… I sometimes wish I had a career that I was really and truly passionate about as opposed to something ‘safe’ and something that needs to be done for society.

Choosing to go into surgery was a selfish decision on my part in the sense that I made that decision after I realized I should stop acting like such a fucking martyr (‘something that needs to be done for society’? Ugh. Cry me a river, Kwon) and just BE happy. Ironically, I know I’m going to hate life for the next three or so years, because the privilege of operating people comes at a steep price, one that I know I will never understand until I go through it, but I’ve never been more sure of myself about anything than I do about my life right now. And I’ve said this before, or something very similar to this, but I don’t think that I chose to go to medical school and be a doctor because I was a good person (not that I was a bad person, but you know); I think that BEING in medical school and learning what it is to be a doctor MADE me a better person. And maybe it was just my time to grow up and it was just a coincidence that I happened to be in medical school at the time, but I do think that learning from patients and other people was at least in part responsible for that growth.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’ve totally jinxed myself by talking so highly about surgery and how much I love it; it’ll be interesting to read this a year from now when I’ve had six months of TEH SURGERY LYFE under my belt. I’ll probably be kicking myself in the ass.

But, despite my personal growth and maturity, every once in awhile I’m still like, I’m gonna be a surgeon, WUT???? Giggles! OMG!

2008
2007
2006
2005
2004